Tonight, I had a phone call from that too familiar number. A ghost.
When was the last time I saw him? 7 months ago?
Though random phone calls from him are not out of the ordinary, this was different from our usual exchange, which only lasts mere seconds and consists of “Where are you”s and “I’m at -“s. In some weird, unexplainable way, we have settled into a routine of showing up on nights the other needs company and treating each other in the ‘more than friends, less than lovers’ kind of way. No matter how long the last time we saw or talked to each other, the routine stayed the same.
We never really tried going for the “how-are-you”s, the getting to know each other part. In the two years I’ve known him, I hoped to see him stripped down vulnerable, longed to know what makes him ache, his sad parts. But our routine has frozen us over. I only got the happy him.
It’s easier this way, I guess. A lot has already happened between us, so much things left unspoken. Maybe staying like this is easier than trying to explain the flirtations, the make-outs and the confusion that came with all of them. At least this way, we could still be in each other lives. I’ve given up on his other parts and I moved on.
But tonight, his call, which I expected would only last a minute or so and be filled with silence I can’t fill, lasted almost an hour. We went past the ‘how-are-you’s and right straight to his relationship dilemma.
“You know me..” he said, and I wanted to say, ‘no, not enough.’
And when he said maybe he should change because no one would like him if he stayed like who he is, and I wanted to scream, but I did. I did like you, despite not showing me enough.
But of course, the words I should’ve said were forcefully swallowed back, forever resting in my tummy.
This was the most he opened up to me, and as much as I was grateful to know that it wasn’t too late for me to still get to know him, I couldn’t help but feel like this was just a one night stand…of feelings. Like getting a taste of an unfamiliar food you know you’d like, only to be unsure whether there is still a next time. Does it make sense? I mean, okay, after tonight, do we start pouring our feelings to each other? Does this mean I can call call him whenever there is an ache inside me I can’t shake? Are we each other’s confidante, now?
I don’t think so.
I will beat myself up bloody over this, drink pessimism like water, if it meant not expecting another phone call like this again in the near future and not digging up feelings that should remain buried.
It was just a one night stand. And though there were feelings involved, it doesn’t mean this will become something more.