Most of my life, I believed in the saying that good things come to those who wait. And I would have continued living like this if I haven’t read a quote from a Thought Catalog article written by Jen Glantz that says, “Good things come to those who wait but only the things left by those who hustle. We’re supposed to hustle for what we want.”
Ever since my last break up, I have resolved to waiting for the next “great love” of my life to come. Even now, after 2 years have passed, it’s still painful for me to admit how much my last relationship affected my whole life and how I view things. I wasn’t always this “patient” person. I wasn’t always afraid to go for the things that make my heart race or risking making a fool of myself by messaging that person first. I dove headfirst into everything, poured every ounce of my feelings until I have nothing left. Yes, I wasn’t the most patient, and maybe sometimes I was a fool, but I was brave.
But after giving my everything and having my heart broken for the first time, I was changed forever. I made myself believe that love will come knocking on my door again, better than the last, if I wait. You see, I’ve fought so much in trying to make my last relationship work, that after the battle was lost, I had no more fight left in me anymore. I’ve met guys, who I can honestly say, who were better for me than he ever was, but I just couldn’t conjure the courage to show my interest to them. I didn’t know that the walls I built was too high, even for me to escape from. Words were swallowed daily and my actions were always on the confusing side. I was afraid to be vulnerable in front of them, to show too much feelings, to be honest and raw. I could’ve fought and tried harder to show how I felt, but I didn’t. And I guess, I will forever carry those regrets with me.
It’s funny the timing of reading that article today out of all days – today when I’ve been somehow reminded of these regrets.
Today, I received another phone call from a ghost of my past. I am glad that it started with me actually messaging him first. One second, I was only asking him a question on FB, then the next, his name was displayed on my phone screen. I didn’t even know he has my new number.
It was a short phone call, but it felt the longest we’ve talked ever since the “incident”. And if the phone call was such a surprise, him inviting me to his house stupefied the hell out of me. Until now, hours after the phone call, I can still hear his voice in my head. His voice, that I thought I would never get the chance to hear again. It has been over a year since it happened and I’ve completely given up on the idea of the two of us having some sort of closure and in hoping that things will go back to the way they were. But today, his invitation felt like a start that maybe, just maybe, we could try becoming friends again.
He will always be one of my biggest what if. What if I fought back? Fought harder? What if I told him how I felt instead of pretending to like other guys? What if I never make it out as if what happened to us was a mistake? What if I didn’t surrender him to her? What if I hadn’t let my mood swings push him farther and farther away?
I have been waiting for people to come into my life only to end up pushing them away. Always waiting, and pushing but never hustling and pulling back. Maybe it’s time I stop letting my past and my regrets hinder me from going after what and who I want. Maybe it’s finally time to hustle, again.
“I guess I’m trying to say, grab anything that goes by. It may not come around again.” – John Steinbeck, The Winter Of Our Discontent