January, you promised to leave him behind with 2014, along with your what ifs and unfulfilled plans, despite his name displayed on your phone screen greeting you a happy new year. You cut your hair because that’s what you always do when you needed change, to move forward.
February, you realised that though some things remain the same, some you can never go back to no matter how much you try. And sometimes, it’s for the better. Your trust was broken the second time and honestly, you didn’t know what to feel anymore. You’ve gone numb.
March was spent counting days until you could escape this place, even for a short while. An unexpected surprise, gratitude that words could never express. You were truly blessed with people who stayed through some of your worst, people you were too ready to leave behind. But even they couldn’t change your mind from wanting to leave for good.
April, the day you’ve been waiting for finally came. Up above the clouds, you marvelled at how big the world is, yet it still managed to suffocate you. Billions of people in the world and one person managed to make you want to leave. The days were finally quiet, you haven’t thought of him, or anyone back home. It was a new and strange place, there were so much to discover to bother looking back.
May, you wished you could pause time, but you had to go back and face reality. Welcome home, though you weren’t sure where it is anymore.
June, an unforeseen birthday gift came late and in the form of him. There was no collision, but the two of you, it seemed, unconsciously gravitated towards each other. You cursed that night, because even if it was just for a very short time, you were able to get back the person you liked, before everything was ruined, before everything was changed for good. And you didn’t know how to go back to being better again.
July, finally the time to take another step in adulthood by applying for a student’s driving permit and enrolling yourself to driving school. Unfortunately, something had to happen. You thought the worst that could happen to you was having your heart broken and being betrayed by people closest to you, but honey, you were wrong. This was your worst and I’m sorry you had to go through it.
August was your lowest. Now you know why some people take years before speaking up about trauma, you finally understood how hard it was to recall the thing you wanted to forget the most. From talking to the police to going to a therapist for the first time, the tears and anxiety to the doubts of your own family, asking you why you didn’t fight back harder – darling, you survived them all. Scarred maybe, but still whole. If anything good came out from it all, it was your faith. Everyone could turn their backs on you and choose not to believe you, but He will always be there. Stay strong.
September, it was time to get up, time to bury the trauma and block it from your memory. You stopped seeing your therapist after she told you, you weren’t depressed anymore just because you were smiling. It was time to take your life back with your own hands.
October, you’ve learned to prioritise yourself and the things you want. Solace was found in writing and the fruits of your labor came in the forms of your first published article in Thought Catalog and your possible contract with Blue Mountain Arts. Never stop writing, never stop trying.
November, you’ve been quite unattached. It was easier this way, you believed. Yet the little catch ups with the ghosts of your past brought a smile on your face every time.
December, you were back to wishing you could fulfill your promise this time of letting him go for good, along with your mistakes and trauma. It was time to untie yourself from anything heavy- from people to memories. It was time to swim to shore.