How many good ones do we have to lose to learn not to take any gesture of love, no matter how small, for granted?

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but it wasn’t enough

On the day he left, I returned his hoodie and I watched him cry for the first time, shoulders trembling and hearts breaking.

He looked at me and even in the silence, I could feel the words slicing through my skin, into the cracks of my heart – “I love you”.

Then his lips found mine for the last time. The saddest good-bye planted on this mouth full of regret, the slightest whisper – “I will always love you”.

but it wasn’t enough

If I Lose Myself

(Found this piece I’ve written years before while de-cluttering my external drive. And boy, how I miss those nights.)

I woke up with the sun,

Thought of all of the people, places and things I’ve loved.

I woke up just to see

with all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

I swayed to Alesso’s remix of One Republic’s If I Lose Myself in the background, my arm raised and my eyes closed. Another weekend spent in a club in an effort to escape from the clasp of the past. The club was yet again filled with people, drinks on hand, eyes flirting and skins touching. I hated the smell of cigarettes in my hair, yet I was here with people around me exhaling smoke in the cramped air. I forced myself to ignore the smell, the sticky floor from all the spilled drinks and the grazing of skin with strangers if it meant another night free from any remembrance of an ex lover.

I opened my eyes to a stranger standing in front of me, his eyes playful with lust. Before I could say anything to make him go away, I felt a hand on the small of my back, gentle and protective, relief washing over me as the stranger retreated back to the crowd. I looked at him – this guy, who I have only met two months ago, yet had already managed to bring my walls halfway down. And though it still wasn’t enough to chase away my ghosts and welcome love again, it was a start.

If I lose myself tonight,

it’ll be by your side.

I mouthed the lyrics, hoping he’d understand. I scanned the crowd, the faces of strangers, of my friends and of him. There was no one else I’d rather be with tonight so I pulled him towards the sea of strangers and let ourselves drown in each other.

If I Lose Myself