If I Lose Myself

(Found this piece I’ve written years before while de-cluttering my external drive. And boy, how I miss those nights.)

I woke up with the sun,

Thought of all of the people, places and things I’ve loved.

I woke up just to see

with all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

I swayed to Alesso’s remix of One Republic’s If I Lose Myself in the background, my arm raised and my eyes closed. Another weekend spent in a club in an effort to escape from the clasp of the past. The club was yet again filled with people, drinks on hand, eyes flirting and skins touching. I hated the smell of cigarettes in my hair, yet I was here with people around me exhaling smoke in the cramped air. I forced myself to ignore the smell, the sticky floor from all the spilled drinks and the grazing of skin with strangers if it meant another night free from any remembrance of an ex lover.

I opened my eyes to a stranger standing in front of me, his eyes playful with lust. Before I could say anything to make him go away, I felt a hand on the small of my back, gentle and protective, relief washing over me as the stranger retreated back to the crowd. I looked at him – this guy, who I have only met two months ago, yet had already managed to bring my walls halfway down. And though it still wasn’t enough to chase away my ghosts and welcome love again, it was a start.

If I lose myself tonight,

it’ll be by your side.

I mouthed the lyrics, hoping he’d understand. I scanned the crowd, the faces of strangers, of my friends and of him. There was no one else I’d rather be with tonight so I pulled him towards the sea of strangers and let ourselves drown in each other.

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If I Lose Myself

Ending

“I used to love you so much,” he whispered.
.
To him, we were already in past tense, a lost cause. To me, he was tomorrow wrapped in promises.
.
He stood up to leave and I couldn’t find the right words to make him stay. Words, I never came up short with him. Him, who stripped off skin from bones from soul.
.
I grabbed his sweater from the foot of my bed, the one I wear to sleep every night, ran to him.
.
“Here, take it,” I cried, tears becoming rivers on cheeks. For a minute there, I caught a glimpse of the man who would fight to keep us together.
.
Without a word, he turned his back on me and sobbed, shoulders shaking and feet walking out the door.
.
How did it come to this – love, not being enough, for two people to stay together?
Outside, I could hear the sirens of a fire truck. Somewhere out there, a house was burning.
.
Also, here. In the quiet.
Ending