If I Lose Myself

(Found this piece I’ve written years before while de-cluttering my external drive. And boy, how I miss those nights.)

I woke up with the sun,

Thought of all of the people, places and things I’ve loved.

I woke up just to see

with all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

I swayed to Alesso’s remix of One Republic’s If I Lose Myself in the background, my arm raised and my eyes closed. Another weekend spent in a club in an effort to escape from the clasp of the past. The club was yet again filled with people, drinks on hand, eyes flirting and skins touching. I hated the smell of cigarettes in my hair, yet I was here with people around me exhaling smoke in the cramped air. I forced myself to ignore the smell, the sticky floor from all the spilled drinks and the grazing of skin with strangers if it meant another night free from any remembrance of an ex lover.

I opened my eyes to a stranger standing in front of me, his eyes playful with lust. Before I could say anything to make him go away, I felt a hand on the small of my back, gentle and protective, relief washing over me as the stranger retreated back to the crowd. I looked at him – this guy, who I have only met two months ago, yet had already managed to bring my walls halfway down. And though it still wasn’t enough to chase away my ghosts and welcome love again, it was a start.

If I lose myself tonight,

it’ll be by your side.

I mouthed the lyrics, hoping he’d understand. I scanned the crowd, the faces of strangers, of my friends and of him. There was no one else I’d rather be with tonight so I pulled him towards the sea of strangers and let ourselves drown in each other.

If I Lose Myself


“I used to love you so much,” he whispered.
To him, we were already in past tense, a lost cause. To me, he was tomorrow wrapped in promises.
He stood up to leave and I couldn’t find the right words to make him stay. Words, I never came up short with him. Him, who stripped off skin from bones from soul.
I grabbed his sweater from the foot of my bed, the one I wear to sleep every night, ran to him.
“Here, take it,” I cried, tears becoming rivers on cheeks. For a minute there, I caught a glimpse of the man who would fight to keep us together.
Without a word, he turned his back on me and sobbed, shoulders shaking and feet walking out the door.
How did it come to this – love, not being enough, for two people to stay together?
Outside, I could hear the sirens of a fire truck. Somewhere out there, a house was burning.
Also, here. In the quiet.



APRIL 10, 2015 (2 years!! I know right?!)

For the first day (of our first overseas trip together), my cousin and I, along with my parents, went to Heiwado to buy groceries and pass time while we wait for our uncle to arrive from London.  Heiwado is a good 10-minute drive from home, my favorite mall when I was a kid. Back then, a place was considered heaven when it sells toys and chocolates, has an arcade and McDonald’s. Well at least, to the 12-year-old me, it was.

We roamed around, ate lunch at McDonald’s and bought snacks.


Japan’s Mister Donut is way on a different scale than Mister Donut in the Philippines!


Japan is a treasure chest for souvenirs. The choices are endless. Just look at the colorful packaging of those sweets (and those are just ‘ordinary’ sweets you can get from the grocery!).


Kinokonoyama (the green box) and Apollo (the red box) are my all-time favorite Japanese snacks/chocolates. I love how they have these DIY snacks, where you can customize your chocolates in any way. Kids, or even adults, will definitely enjoy them And you can easily find these and more in grocery stores.

After that, we went to Namco Land. I am an only child and was a little lonely playing with the grown ups (well except for the times I went with my childhood, but very Japanese, friends) when I was younger. I always longed for company, someone close to my age to play with. So, when my cousin was born, I knew we had to go here together one day. And here we were, finally!


There really isn’t that much in Namco Land, just the usual games you find in an arcade and the UFO catchers.


Yet, a small bucket of tokens can still bring you joy, laughter and bonding time with your loved ones, if you know where to play.

After finishing a bucket or two of tokens, the whole family went to Staminataro, an Eat-All-You-Can restaurant we always go to, for dinner. I don’t eat much and I don’t usually get to eat my money’s worth in a buffet, but I enjoy going around all that food and picking dishes for myself (even though I don’t finish them most of the time).


Oh you know, just me pretending to grill meat for everyone.


You can’t go to an All-You-Can-Eat restaurant, without taking your fill of delicious, mouth-watering meat and partnering it with Japanese rice!



There were all sorts of desserts to choose from – ice cream, cakes, puddings, etc. But I settled for cotton candy, which I made (yes, they do have a cotton candy machine!).




Okay, it’s a little weird (and sad, to be honest) to be reminiscing about kisses at this time (12:45 AM), but I’ve been going over my ‘642 Tiny Things To Write About’ activity (??) book and came across a topic about kisses. And so I took a quick trip down memory lane and edited what I wrote last year. Expect that I will be posting more from the book soon!


What makes a first kiss special is the innocence, and not knowing what to expect aside from the ideas we have from fairy tales and movies. There are no kisses to compare it to, and sometimes, I wish all kisses were like this. It would have made the world a much easier world for my heart.

I had great expectations for my first kiss. I imagined fireworks and butterflies in my stomach, all the grandeur and cliche that comes with it. It was supposed to be a beginning of another chapter in a love story,  a spark of  wildfire, all consuming.  But mine, ruined everything.

I don’t know if it was the place (in a bowling alley, right in front of the window where people pass by), or that we were surrounded by friends, or maybe it was the timing. Perhaps, I was surprised at the sudden gesture. All of a sudden, the boy who I thought was the one (I was only 15 then), became a thief. Someone who robbed me of something special, something I could never take back. And I disliked him for that.

You can guess what happened days after that.


After the first kiss,  who you do it with matters more or else, all kisses will just feel the same. But the thing is, you  don’t always know which kisses are the best (and unforgettable), until you lose them completely. Until you are left craving for more, just craving and out of reach.

Just like half of the the kisses had, the last one was driven by alcohol, loneliness and wishing he was someone else. Fingers tangled on hair, hand resting in between the warmth of your legs, and mouths devouring.  It was sweet poison, really, with a hint of bitterness and guilt. To be in a moment, but be completely lost in another memory. In another person, a ghost of the past, you will always look for in everyone else. But his hands were not the same, his mouth was different. In the dark, I could imagine a difference face, try to breathe in a memory, and yet the feeling will never be the same.  He will never be that person. Now this is the second worst kind of kiss. The kind that leaves your heart hollow, hungry and lonelier after.


I would be lying if I say I no longer hope to taste his mouth again. But if it isn’t him, I hope it will  free me from the shakles of the past. I hope it’s the kind of kiss that will light up lanterns down my crooked spine and sew back stars in my soul. The kind that will make me forget about the boy I couldn’t let go of for so long and welcome back love in my life again. It doesn’t even matter where it will be, or if we’ll be surrounded by friends or strangers, as long as the person is right this time.